Looking Back

"Fell in love, got my heart broke down in San Diego

I was off and driftin any way the wind was blowin

That was then, way back when,

I didn't have a clue where I was goin"

-- On My Way to You, Jamie O'Neal

Everytime I hear this part of her new song I stop and listen to it again. It couldn't be more true. But my big question is, why do I let it stop there? Why don't I identify with the rest of her song? Why can't I leave that heartbreak behind? I don't want him or that relationship back. I miss the fun and stupid times - but maybe I miss more the feeling of knowing. I understood my life then. I went to work, I went to school, I played the good wife. He cheated and lied, but I always knew. He was as trustworthy as raccoon in a koi pond - but I knew him. He thought he got away with the lies but I always saw through them. I knew what to expect from him and I knew what his actions meant. There were very few unknowns. There was a lot of betrayal, but I was never in the dark.

My apartment was everything I needed it to be and materially, I had nearly everything I wanted. He never provided for me but I was never left wanting for anything - except for love.