Dead in the Middle of the Intersection

You know, that's a good way to get hit...

but then again, that's sort of what I'm hoping for...

The way I see my life, I have two options.

1. Be the good little wife/mother
2. Be someone important in the world

I'm not really feeling either one at the moment. The two paths are crossing at the moment and I'm about as effective or reactive as a deer caught in the headlights.

I'm not cut out for being the good wife/mother. I like the idea of being the woman that takes care of her man but I can't have kids. Physiologically, sure. Realistically, no. Someone would end up dead. Everyone tells me that I will feel differently as I get older but I just don't see it happening. I've babysat for kids of all ages, I've been around them. To top it off being in the house with three dogs (that aren't mine and I have no influence over) is just trying my patience. If I have to clean up dog urine off the floor one more time I'm going to scream. She's not my dog but if I'm the only one home, I have no choice but to clean it up. I don't know if she just doesn't understand the concept of potty training or if she is acting out. Her owner is a Vet but she's so busy/stressed and a sucker for animals so there's no discipline. Just playing the role of mommy for a few days has turned me into complete bitch.

I have serious doubts about my being someone important in the world. My academic life/drive leaves much to be desired. I'm sitting on 4 separate research assignments right now. I can't be motivated to think seriously about a single one of them. It isn't that the topic suck. They are interesting - the weaponization of space, science/technology, drug trafficking, corporate/government relations. I just don't care anymore. Really. I just don't care. How on earth I'm going to get a meaningful job, I have no idea. I don't think I'm cut for playing the games and rolling in the high stakes.

So where does that leave me? Dead in the middle of the intersection. And I'm hoping I get hit - with a sign, some direction, inspiration, just something...

I don't mind my life being somewhat isolated even if it does make people question if I am an agoraphobic person. I'm not anti-social, I'm not afraid to leave my house. People, as the general population, piss me off and I prefer to avoid that frustration. I spend a lot of time alone and I don't like doing unfamiliar things alone. Hence, I spend a lot of time at home and with my computer. I'm really ok with that. But it doesn't make for much of a realistic future.

So, again...I am lost...